Chicken Soup For the Beer Drinkers SoulSometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
by Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep
your mouth shut.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly
gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the
time and have the time of your life.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps
if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at
the very least you need a beer.
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken
out of me.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes
beer shoot out your nose.
Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine.
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen,
for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do
this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
You know you're drunk when you fall off the floor. And God said, "Let there be vodka!" And He saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let there be light!" And then He said, "Whoa - too much light." Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862! Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support group.
Scotch - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine.