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Star signs

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 17) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lick a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistake repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are stupid.

PISCES (Feb. 18 - Mar. 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals.

ARIES (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddam communist.

GEMINI (May 21 - Jun. 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Gemini are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER (Jun. 21 - Jul. 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples' problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you will always be on welfare and never be worth a shit.

LEO (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are always thieving bastards.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sep. 21) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is disgusting to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers or pimps.

LIBRA (Sep. 22 - Oct. 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are most likely a queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are excellent whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal because you are always getting FUCKED OVER.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are void of interest. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for a long period of time, because they tend to attract rats.

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