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Answering service

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institue.

"Hello and Welcome to the mental health hotline"

If you are obsessive-complusive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you what number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press - no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative is available.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have b-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9.

If you have low-esteem, please hang up. All our operator are far too busy to talk to the likes of you.

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