42 ways to get electric power from hamsters
- Stick copper and zinc electrode-needles in opposite ends of
hamster. Use in series for higher voltage. -gwh
- Shove them back and forth in Richard Gere's butt. Creates static
- Go to Radio Shack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two
- Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it
onto a trampoline.
- Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam
- Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal-rights
activists and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of
- Drop hamsters from great heights. Use water-mill like turbine to
- Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million
years, drill for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine.
- Cold Fusion -> Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary. -seano
- Any form of neutron capture / beta emission. -seano
- Convince hamsters they're really lemmings. Show cliff to
hamsters. Install turbine halfway down cliff.
- Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape. Spin rapidly. Attach
- 1 Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small
portion of generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure
center. Watch him generate his little heart out!
- Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add
water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect methane
gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells.
- Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to run
a waterwheel for hydroelectric power.
- Give hamsters lots of shitty beer. Use piss and vomit to run
- Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form
candles. Heat steam turbine.
- Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming of Intel assembly
lines. Saved electricity will be enormous. Cover performance loss by
releasing new version of Windows NT at the same time. -gwh
- Build glass room. Put hamsters inside. Put cocaine inside. Ground
the floor and attach negative leads to the ceiling. -gwh
- Have hamster steal one of Kube's magic cards. Leech power from
resulting nuclear strike.
- Teach hamsters to play blackjack. Once they're at the competitive
level, convince Las Vegas hotel owners to convert to serving
hamsters. Saved electricity from smaller lights, hotels, etc. -gwh
- Accumulate enough hamsters that the self-gravitational force
causes the mass to shrink and heat up. Use thermocouples to generate
- Raid PG&E corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop hamster down
CEO's pants unless he gives you a power plant. -gwh
- Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal
meth. Attach dog sled.
- (This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them)
Combine the hamster with an equal mass of antimatter - a anti-hamster
if you will. Then harness the massive energy release for power....
- Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil
Anti-Hamster, Darth Hamster. This should be good for 4-6
sequels. Install tension to electricity converters into theatre. -gwh
- a. Find a _good_ genetic engineer. b. Splice appropriate genes
from electric eels into hamsters, because they're smaller and cuter
and, well, hamsters. c. Feed the hamsters. d. Surgically install
appropriate electrodes. e. Periodically drain off the
voltage. Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current. P.S. How could
I have been so blind? Splice in genes from blue-green algae as well,
and you wouldn't even have to feed the hamsters! (Well, maybe some
phosphorous and iron and stuff)
- Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they
give you power for free.
- Crossbreed hamster with a Mothra (a giant rodant in India) and
use resulting giant mutant lightning-breathing hamster as power
- Give the hamster to Scotty, he'll find some way to yeild 20% more
power from the dilithium crystals.
- Take thousands of hamsters into orbit - when the orbit decays,
they will heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could
raise the planets temperature as much as you want.
- Pull the hamster out of root@soda's ass. Then when they turn red
& embarrassed, use the heat from their red face to drive a Carnot
- Emmass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough
mass to begin hamster fusion in the core. Use solar cells to convert
radiation to electricity. - seano
- Throw in more hamsters to 33 (above) until the hamster star goes
supernova... you couldn't want any more energy than that...
- Repeat 34 with another mass of hamsters... spin the resulting
neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit... use gravity
waves to rotate hydro-turbine.
- Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that
hamsters _are_ electricity. (Well, they've got lots of electrons in
them, yes?) Acquire hamsters however you choose; "operationally",
you've now got electricity. (I say "five or six hits", because I find
that things which were perfectly clear to me after _one_ hit, e.g.,
that the word "Krups" is actually a make onomatopoeic piece of German
slang for an unprintable Viennese practice, make absolutely no sense
afterwards; and Leary used to take five hits or so. QED.)
- Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of
- Reduce hamster to their component atoms. Compress the resulting
plasma until it fuses. Transfer the released energy via heat/engine or
energy conversion scheme of your choice. -ERic
- Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it
to anti-matter. Combine the first hamster with the
anti-hamster. Harness the resultant massive burst of energy as per #38
- Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the
radiated energy. -Eric
- It is a well-known result of quantum field theory that all fields
are symmetric under the combined action of time-reversal,
charge-conjugation and parity-inversion operators: the familiar TCP
symmetry. It is trivial to show that time reversal and charge
conjugation both take fermions into their anti-particles. Use this to
show that plucking hamsters from mirrors will produce beaucoup
electromagnetic radiation. (Hint: Do you need to pull the hamsters out
of the mirror _going_backwards_in_time_?) Ref: J. J. Sakurai,
_Adv. Quan. Mech._
- Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He
will try to rub his furry coat against glass rod. Drawback: only
creates static electricity.