Spam index | prev | next | random

Resumes

These are taken from real resumes.............

I demand a salary commiserate with my experience

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and progroms

Received a plague for Salesperson of the year

Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave

Wholly responsible for 2 failed financial institutions

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades

It's best for employers that I not work with people

Lets meet so you can ooh and aah over my experience

You will want me to be head honcho in no time

I am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details

I was working for my mum until she decided to move

Marital status:single. Unmarried. Uninvolved. NO COMMITMENTS!

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse

I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond on my office voicemail

I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing

My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I possess no training in meteorology I suppose I should try Stock Brokerage

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant

Personal interests: Donating blood. 14 gallons so far!

Instrumental for ruining entire operation for a midwest chain store

Note: Please do not misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a job

Marital status: Often. Children: Various

Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8.45am. Could not work under these conditions

The company made me a scapegoat, just like my 3 previous employers

Finished 8th in my class of 10

References: None. I have left a path of destruction behind me

ACTUAL LINES FROM US MILITARY OFFICER EFFICIENCY REPORTS

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching

A room temperature IQ

Got a full 6 pack, but lacks the plastic thingy that holds it all together

A prime candidate for natural deselection

Bright as Alaska in December

Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train isn't coming

So dense, light bends around him

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate

If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week

Was left on the Tilt A Whirl too long as a baby

Wheel is turning but the hamster is dead

ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM ROYAL NAVY AND MARINE OFFICER FITNESS REPORTS

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity

I would not breed from this officer

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle

This young lady has delusions of adequacy

This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar

Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and started to dig

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them

He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot

Spam index | prev | next | random