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Residents of Sjlbvdnz, Grzny To Be First Recipients.
Before an emergency joint session of Congress today, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war zone. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A, E, I, O and U and is hoped to render countless names more pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world." Clinton said Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.

"My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkin, 44, said.

"I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else."

Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiluae, and Aao with vital life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. There is no truth to the rumour that Clinton's next target for assistance with pronunciation is Wales.

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